Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

Wow.... Where the hell did 2009 go?!

Like all years... this year flew by fast. but it was one hell of a crazy year!! i think 2009 has proved how much FAMILY means. with everything that happened with my brother, thank you God for hearing our prayers and helping him and our family keep through that very hard time. also, baby girl Kalea came into our life! a blessing like no other! she is the most beautiful little baby in the world, and she puts a smile on each and every of our faces.. she was a great good coming after the hard times=) and other things... that has shown how much FAMILY is what gets you through... i don't think anything else has been very prominent in this year. basically just FAMILY... like everything else that happened this year has blown over my head that i can't even really remember what the hell happened! hahaha. i don't really know if that's a good or bad thing, but yeahhh.. lol. i just really want to stress how much i want to thank the goodness of having a very supportive and understanding family.. i mean without them, i don't think i would have stayed strong throughout that hard time.. you know, you go through life thinking it's easy breezy, and when something huge happens.. you just can't believe you took ANYTHING or ANYONE forgranted in your life.. what i learned from these past few months is that you really can't just live life not giving a fcuk... yes, you have to live life but you can't live it recklessly... you never know what is going to happen.. you will never know if it's your last day or come what may... it's really crazy!! like, what happened with my brother was literally the craziest and hardest time that i've ever been through in my 20 years of living... dont EVER.. EVER.. hold grudges.. dont EVER EVER take someone forgranted.. and dont EVER EVER leave things unsettled.. ferreal man.. feeling that feeling of not knowing whether or not you will be able to speak to someone you love and care about and not being able to say how much you love them is the hardest thing to go through.. and i am SO GLAD that my family and i got another chance to tell my brother everything we neeeded to say, and need to say now and in the future.. i've learned that you really CAN'T think there is another day later on to say what you need to say, but really there isn't... there isn't a right time... so please, if you have ANYTHING to say to ANYONE.. make sure you don't hold it in.. make sure you let them know exactly how you are feeling before it's too late.. believe me, it's not a good feeling at all, AT ALL... i know it may seem like the hardest thing to do, to tell someone what you feel.. but it's necessary.. that goes for everyone! whether it's a friend, a girlfriend or boyfriend, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father... it's an equal standard.. if you care enough, you should NOT NOT act like you don't care... life is too short to keep things in... feel me?? so if you need to say ANYTHING to ANYONE.. go ahead and do it.. do it for yourself, do it for that person... i mean why the hell not right? it's going to be a new year, a new dawn too... might as well start the new year fresh, with no skeletons in your closet... even if it may be the most minute thing, or if its the biggest deal if your life.. don't put it off, don't wait until later... you never know what life has in store.. so be honest, be real, FEEL... yeah.. haha.

WELL! hahaha. apart from all that! i really can't recall anything else that happened this year.. i did a lot of partying though i know that! hahah well up until i had to stop using my alias LOL but i had a good ass run.. really good run! but it's all good.. 21 in 3 months=) ahhaa. hmm what else happened??? damn nothing else huh? no juicy love stories.. had my share of feelings here and there.. and obviously it wasn't solid enough to make it out of the year.. it's all good though, you live and you learn.. you still care though.. yeah, i still care.. but i care only from a distance.. which is alright, because that's how things pan out i guess? its the unconditional stuff, and i'm sure everyone has felt that.. you just care, because you just want the best for them! haha yeah.. hmm what else?? yeah, same shit different day basically... school, chill, go out.. hahah =P

BUT... now that i think of it.. this is my last year in Sacramento! oh mannn. 2010 is going to be MAJOR! hahah.. like i can't stress how fckin ecstatic i am! i am finally going to move to SF for school.. time for a new life.. new city, new friends, new life.. i'm sure 2010 will be my start for a very inspirational and dynamic life.. i just feel it.. i feel like San Francisco is where I was supposed to end up.. and truthfully and honestly, i feel that with my heart... and the school i am going to go to, Academy of Art University.. like ferreal when i visited the campus.. i just felt the inspiration flowing out of me.. i know that sounds hella funny, but like mannn... i felt at HOME there... i felt like i knew thats where i was supposed to be there, to grow into the person i am supposed to be... hahah. here in Sacramento, i felt like i was just floating on by.. not giving a care in the world.. just paddling away.. and just the thought of being able to start over and start a new life in the city that i love next year..is beyond words! i really can't wait.. and although i will miss Sacramento.. there's really nothing left for me here.. besides my family of course! hahah. but really though, i just really believe that I will get where I want to be in San Francisco.. really get to that pinnacle of happiness there.. and that's what i've been searching for for 20 years.. to really be happy.. genuinely happy...=) yeahh.... hahaha. 2010 is not ready for me! haha 21 years old... and living in the City.. =)

HMMM... well that is my 2009-2009 blog... it was a very crazy year to say the least... but everything worked out SO WELL... had so many blessings at the end of the year.. and i have the MAN ABOVE to thank.. without him, i wouldn't have my brother and my niece today=) THANK YOU=) but alright buddddiess.. i hope everyone had a very fulfilling year, despite all of the drama or setbacks you have gone through.. just remember you live and you learn.. and REMEMBER to NEVER take anyone or anything forgranted! i wish you all a very Happy New Year and just know with time passing by, life will get better. 2010, you will be a VERY GOOD YEAR=)

xoxo,
Kristine

Seasons Change, But Love Doesn't

Like a seed in the ground I was planted.
Underground, needing the nourishment to grow.
In the dark I waited until human nature
would give me a chance to see the world.

I was born in the cold Winter as my ice shedded slowly
from my skin as a new beginning arose in the shape of your face.
You held me warm in the crook of your arms until I was able to
open my petals and grow into the sun.

You stood next to me in the Spring and watched my colors
grow vibrant as each cool day passed by.
You never questioned why it took me a while to bloom,
you just gave me the love and nurture I needed to stay alive.

The Summer sun rose so early in the morning
burning my inhibitions but there you were,
with a tall glass of encouragement to refresh me.
The hot breeze threatened me and made me thirsty, but you
quenched my heart by spending each moist night laying with me.

Then Fall came and my colors started to fade, but you
caught each and every autumn leaf that fell from my heart.
You watched as I blended into the breeze but you held onto me tight,
telling me you'd never blow away.

You came to me with a bucket full of life and
watered me when I needed it the most.
The seasons came and gone but you took my heart and my soul.
You reminded me with each season passing by,
that you would be there holding my hand
and giving me your heart of seasons to share.

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So, I should be studying for finals.. But I needed a break from all the studious shit.. I was feeling sappy and I ended up writing this! It took me about 5 minutes to write and i really don't know how i put that all together... but hey, I thought it turned out pretty romantical. haha=) one day, im gonna make a book of poems for my future love of my life.. hope he'd appreciate it yeah? hahaha jk. anyhooots, hope you like!

xoxo,
Kristine

master of puns.

my favorite poet, e.e. cummings

tears from the clearing

to the sky i look, with open arms and an open heart.
the clouds swirling in anticipation, the moist of it lingering on my skin.
i close my eyes, smiling as i await the trickles of tears from the sky.
i've been in this weather before, but i am not afraid.

shivering, wearing nothing but my skin.
listening, as the thunder rumbles it's angry cries.
it yells for me to pay attention, but i stand there motionless.
i've been in this weather before, but i am not afraid.

there it is, the pattering of the raindrops falling on the pavement.
the sky is getting darker and darker now and the howling is getting stronger.
i still stand there, with my arms outstretched, waiting.
i've been in this weather before, but i am not afraid.

the clouds are begging me to move away, find shelter.
but i answer them as i spin around happily, wetting every inch of my skin.
the thunder is warning me to find someone, somewhere to run to.
i've been in this weather before, but i am not afraid.

in all it's dark beauty i want to welcome it.
i want to basque in it's entity and embrace the cold.
nothing else seems so gorgeous, so endearing.
i've been in this weather before, but i am not afraid.

i believe in dark skies, but i believe in the clearing.
i believe in teardrops from the clouds, but i believe in a hand to wipe them away.
i believe in the screaming from the thunder, but i believe in a comfort to calm me down.
i believe in this weather, but i am not afraid.

i, am not afraid. because i believe.

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shoot, i promised for a happy go lucky poem huh? hahaha. i guess my head isn't in that place right now. after rereading this poem though... it's quite empowering. yeah? hahah. there is some hope after all. lol=)

xoxo,
Kristine

Take A Bow

there goes the awaiting crowd,
you stand there looking so fcukin proud.
How stupid do you look though,
radiating there with a pathetic glow?
who would of thought a charming smile,
can end up with traces of poisonous vile.

they all watch as you put on your show,
feeling cocky as can be yet you really are low.
entertainment to the maximum,
but little did know your act was already done.
pulling out all the old tricks and licks,
what's funny is you were setting yourself up with a bad ass fix.

They laugh at all your disappointing reveries,
waiting until the day you fall to your knees.
you think you hear a round of applause,
but in reality it's all disapproving nods.
who are you at playing now?
a little believer that thinks you'll take a vow.

please, hurry, go back on stage.
stand there in your ugly phase.
go on, smile your sadistic smile.
talk in your ruthless condescending style.
award has gone to you, you've done the work.
round applause, for the Biggest Jerk.

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wow haven't written in a while. didn't know I had a Rant to offer. hahahaha! anyway, be back some other time with a nice poem and not a rant poem. yeah? yeah. think I'll write about stars then, I saw a tremendously beautiful falling star the other night, may be a gift of inspiration. good inspiration though, or something of the sort. goodnight!

xoxo,
Kristine

Nightmare.

written: April 25, 2009 @ 1:40am

there's a monster under my bed.
i can hear him shuffling with the untouched boxes,
i can hear him scratching against the surrounding walls.
i lift the sheets, he hides deep in the corner, i can't see him.

there's a monster in my closet.
i can hear him rummaging through my wrinkled clothes,
i can hear him trying on different pairs the shoes i've worn.
i open the closet door, he hides deep behind everything, i can't see him.

there's a monster in my dark.
i can hear him rattling against my untouched thoughts,
i can hear him climbing higher and higher on top of my surrounding walls.
i open my eyes, he hides deep in my mind, i can't feel him.

there's a monster in my mind.
i can hear him laughing at my wrinkled beliefs,
i can hear him taunting me with all my different disappointments.
i open my heart, he rips through it, i can take him.

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it's been a while since i've written a poem! i actually knew the feeling i was writing off of for this poem for once... haha that's a first right? lols. well as you all know, i write poetry and use it as an outlet. yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, i ono what feeling you guys get off of that but use ur imagination i guess.. hahaha. but okay, until next time i need to write! (=

p.s. i'm back on that rooftop writing at night... summer is on it's way!

xoxo,
Kristine

A Riddle For You To Solve.

Written: January 26, 2009 @ 11:55pm

for a moment there, baby, you had me believe you.
was it your fancy words, fancy suit, fancy you?
better yet, was it the sweet hello, or the moment you said let's go?
no, it wasn't your tempo of slow or the easy words you flow.
it was more bull with the shit, and cupid with the wrong hit.

hold on, wait a second, did you say you were forever?
you had the "never say never", and the "let me tell her what's clever."
oops, what happened there, did you think i'd fall?
get on my knees and gravel, and bend down to you and crawl?
the joke was on who? i'm thinking, believing, that it's on you.

i'm sorry, excuse me, did you think i couldn't play too?
had the poker face, super duper easy grace, i beat you this race.
did it hurt much, is your heart a fuss, don't say i am unjust.
hows your ego and your light of always green and go?
you can scream it out if you'd like, but please move it on out.

tell me baby, how does it feel to taste your own?

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Hi! I haven't wrote a poem in a while so i thought i should now, before school knocks me off the realm of the world and i get too busy. hahahah. but anyway, AGAIN i am surprised to see what the hell my complex mind is thinking. i swear, i never know what i'm feeling or thinking until i write a poem and then reread that shit. ahahhahaha. ccccrazy. (note: i think usually my poems are exaggerated) hahaha so don't be taken aback by anything. i mean the core of it all is there, but you know poetry is poetry, you gotta make the emotions leap off the page. hahah. okay so there's a poem for you! lols. this right here, is a "rant". yes in poetry, there is a such thing. lols.

p.s. i started up on tumblr so you can find me on there as well! it's more of a blog than anything. i post random shit on there. really (: hahaha. okay, i'm gonna try to get some sleep now. so ta ta!

xoxo,

Kristine

Sleeping.

Written: January 3, 2008 @ 2:50am

like sleep, i can't see clearly or think coherently.
i got a honey-glazed layer over my eyes.
my head is spinning and my limbs are limber.
i've got feathers for thoughts.
my breathing is slowed and labored.
i'm as calm but deep as the ocean.
my head feels so light and far-gone.
i am floating on clouds of carelessness.
i'm seeing flashes of black and white.
i've been trapped into a thoughts coma.

like sleep, i am only living through my eyes closed.
i got dreams plastered onto my brain.
the thorns and rose petals fall endlessly.
i've touched the halo and the pitchfork.
my angel and devil are mocking.
i got the sun's rays behind the darkness.
my reasons for believing are shadowed by the doubt.
i'm looking at me from a far in a daze.
my mind can't make sense of anything.
i've been trapped into a coffin of my sleepless thoughts.

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i dont know how i typed that poem up. hahaha. i'm hella sleepy but i can't sleep. i thought if i'd write a poem about not sleeping then i'd be able to fall asleep. hahah. wow, my mind is so far off from sleeping isn't it? hahahaha. anyway, i re-read it and it hardly makes sense. but hey thats the beauty of poetry isn't it... bullshit becomes beautiful. loll NIGHT!

xoxo,
Kristine

Epiphany.

Hello 2009.

Self realizations: i have it good.

Ups: i stayed doin me and i'm better than ever.

Downs: i been through one too many revolving doors and merry-go rounds; i want to just stand still.

Resolutions: eyes on the prize, SF here i come baby.

Setbacks?: nothing, my past is my past.

Beliefs?: patience is a virtue, all of it will be worth the wait.

SUP 2009!!

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xoxo,
Kristine