I Don't Fall Hard.

I don't fall hard. In fact, I hate falling hard. It's just not my thing.

I hate: The curiousness of wanting to get in between the fibers of that person's every thought and emotion. I hate: The urge of wanting to tell that person that you wish more than a sky full of wishes on the night of a meteor shower that you'd wish they'd never let you go. I hate: The stupid unexpected little smiles that come across your face when you think of them and getting completely teased by someone who's seen you do it. I hate: The moments where your day is a complete wreck, up until they contact you and all those negative vibes magically disappear. I hate: The times where you are looking away from them but you feel them watching you, and when you look at them they don't alter their gaze. I hate: The skip skip skip dance your heart makes and the glimmer in your eyes you get when you see their name pop up on your phone screen. I hate: How every single little thing, even something so irrelevant to that person like, why the sky is blue (and this thought gives you a reason to think of them again because you remember that they love sunny days). I hate: How you just want to eat up all their attention, their ego, their thoughts, their inhibitions, their fears, their doubts, their flaws and their insecurities because their whole being matters that much to you. I hate: Those moments where you are in the same room, not even touching, but you feel so much heat and connection radiating through your skin. I hate: Those moments where you want to help them in anyway possible to become the best version of themselves that they can. I hate: That exact "oh shit" moment you've just realized you've fallen....that hard.

See what I mean? It's so much, too much at times. I don't fall hard. In fact, I hate falling hard. It's just not my thing.

I hate: Having to hold back the strings of "i want you... i adore you..." thoughts running across in captions as you watch them from a distance because you don't know if they've fallen as hard as you. I hate: The times where you have to disregard wanting to show affection because it feels like they're not in it as much as you are anymore. I hate: The moments where you're in bed and you can smell them all up in your sheets but you're forced to have cuddle sessions with your pillows instead. I hate: The linger of their lips on yours after the days you've been forced to just running your fingers over your lips in memory. I hate: How the new text messages start getting less and less, so you feel nostalgic and scroll up to read the old ones. I hate: How when you see them you have to try with all your might to not give them as much attention anymore because you know they don't seem to want it as much anymore. I hate: When you hug them goodbye, you have to let go 3 seconds faster than you are used to. I hate: How when you attempt and try to tell them you miss them, they don't seem to want to say it back. I hate: How the person that made you feel so special days on end, doesn't even bother to even say hi to you anymore. I hate: That moment where you realize that the person you fell for, fell out of it with you.

See what I mean? It's so much, too much at times. I don't fall hard. In fact, I hate falling hard. It's just not my thing.

Lost In Translation.

blank screen.
blink, blink, blink; there goes the cursor.
how, in fact do I explain?

[that smile and frown, simultaneous.
that skip of the heart, the sinking of it too.
sigh of happiness, sigh of uneasiness.
that head against the wall with lips curved up,
but the shake of the head as it all sinks in.
don't know how to feel, don't know what to feel.]

thoughts swimming around trying to find it's rest place,
reasons stopping what actually wants to take pace.
stuck between priorities and mind sets,
softened by feelings and daydreams.
want and need to know where it's all going,
but too afraid to even grasp where it could be heading.

[that smile and frown, simultaneous.
that skip of the heart, the sinking of it too.
sigh of happiness, sigh of uneasiness.
that head against the wall with lips curved up,
but the shake of the head as it all sinks in.
don't know how to feel, don't know what to feel.]

fighting with myself as I'm trying to figure it out,
but all I could do is shake my head in doubt.
here's that time where my walls are built up high,
not because I'm hiding but to see if it's even worth the try.
mind and soul is cradled in a cocoon of insecurity,
all I need is that one moment of reason to believe it'll be sturdy.

[that smile and frown, simultaneous.
that skip of the heart, the sinking of it too.
sigh of happiness, sigh of uneasiness.
that head against the wall with lips curved up,
but the shake of the head as it all sinks in.
don't know how to feel, don't know what to feel.]

full screen.
words, words, words; there goes the truth.
how, in fact can I believe it?

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dot.dot.dot... hahhaah. That's all I have to say about what the back of my mind is thinking right now. Haha, freaking amazing how poetry affects me. It clears my head tremendously! Lol. But mmmyea, alright goodnight! Until next time I need to vent=)

xoxo,
Kristine

Simply the most beautiful verse in a song.

Loving you is a like a song I replay every
three minutes and thirty seconds of every day.
And every chorus was written for us to recite
every beautiful melody of devotion every night.
This potion might, this ocean might carry me
in a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me.
And every word, every second, and every third
expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard.
And when I play ‘em, every chord is a poem
telling the Lord how grateful I am because I know him. The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress.
If you asking then I'm telling you it's yes.
- Lauryn Hill

Origami.

im like origami,
you can fold me into something beautiful.

the blankness of my page is for you to imagine me,
and i can become your perfect creation.
each fold you make of me i'll keep together,
and i can keep your love within me binded forever.

the flaps of my heart are open,
and you can bend them just right so i can fit into you.
you can run your fingers along my edges,
and smooth out my loose ends with your touch.

you can create me into a bird,
so i can fly right into your soul.
you can create me into a flower,
so i can bloom for you when you need to nourish.

you can build me into a sword,
so i may fight for you when you can't fight on your own.
you can build me into a shield,
so i may protect you when hurt comes your way.

i can be your creation, and you can build me with all your being.
i can be your fold, and i will bend as long as i won't tear.
i can be your crease, and i will stay here as long as you want me.
i can be your heart, and you can carry me wherever you may go.

i am your origami,
and you helped me become beautiful.

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i didn't know i had a love poem to offer, but then again i never know what i'm gonna write until i'm done... hahha. i wrote this poem last night and just now got to postin! mmmmkay, until next time! i love love poems, btw. ahahah. they're the most fun to read over after it's finished!

xoxo,
Kristine

Whirlwind.

the wind takes a hold of me and sways me this way and that,
the rain slowly dropping on my face imitating the growth of emotion.
the ground under my feet begins to shake and crack,
and all i want to do is take away my mind from all the commotion.

the rumble of the thunder starts to crowd my thoughts,
and the storm within my own heart grows stronger with each beat.
each second starts to become harder and each breath i take becomes caught,
and the only thing i can think about is standing tall on my own feet.

my breath starts to grow shallow from the cold,
and i'm starting to shiver under my skin in stuck in broken thought.
don't know what to do, i'm searching for something to hold.
but little did i know that my feelings are the ones to be fought.

-----------------------
I'm a ball of emotion. Dear John was so heartbreaking it stuck to me. Hahaha. Obviously needed to get something out, so there you have it. La la la, vent! =) Until next time, when I need to write... Ta ta for now!

xoxo,
Kristine

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

Wow.... Where the hell did 2009 go?!

Like all years... this year flew by fast. but it was one hell of a crazy year!! i think 2009 has proved how much FAMILY means. with everything that happened with my brother, thank you God for hearing our prayers and helping him and our family keep through that very hard time. also, baby girl Kalea came into our life! a blessing like no other! she is the most beautiful little baby in the world, and she puts a smile on each and every of our faces.. she was a great good coming after the hard times=) and other things... that has shown how much FAMILY is what gets you through... i don't think anything else has been very prominent in this year. basically just FAMILY... like everything else that happened this year has blown over my head that i can't even really remember what the hell happened! hahaha. i don't really know if that's a good or bad thing, but yeahhh.. lol. i just really want to stress how much i want to thank the goodness of having a very supportive and understanding family.. i mean without them, i don't think i would have stayed strong throughout that hard time.. you know, you go through life thinking it's easy breezy, and when something huge happens.. you just can't believe you took ANYTHING or ANYONE forgranted in your life.. what i learned from these past few months is that you really can't just live life not giving a fcuk... yes, you have to live life but you can't live it recklessly... you never know what is going to happen.. you will never know if it's your last day or come what may... it's really crazy!! like, what happened with my brother was literally the craziest and hardest time that i've ever been through in my 20 years of living... dont EVER.. EVER.. hold grudges.. dont EVER EVER take someone forgranted.. and dont EVER EVER leave things unsettled.. ferreal man.. feeling that feeling of not knowing whether or not you will be able to speak to someone you love and care about and not being able to say how much you love them is the hardest thing to go through.. and i am SO GLAD that my family and i got another chance to tell my brother everything we neeeded to say, and need to say now and in the future.. i've learned that you really CAN'T think there is another day later on to say what you need to say, but really there isn't... there isn't a right time... so please, if you have ANYTHING to say to ANYONE.. make sure you don't hold it in.. make sure you let them know exactly how you are feeling before it's too late.. believe me, it's not a good feeling at all, AT ALL... i know it may seem like the hardest thing to do, to tell someone what you feel.. but it's necessary.. that goes for everyone! whether it's a friend, a girlfriend or boyfriend, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father... it's an equal standard.. if you care enough, you should NOT NOT act like you don't care... life is too short to keep things in... feel me?? so if you need to say ANYTHING to ANYONE.. go ahead and do it.. do it for yourself, do it for that person... i mean why the hell not right? it's going to be a new year, a new dawn too... might as well start the new year fresh, with no skeletons in your closet... even if it may be the most minute thing, or if its the biggest deal if your life.. don't put it off, don't wait until later... you never know what life has in store.. so be honest, be real, FEEL... yeah.. haha.

WELL! hahaha. apart from all that! i really can't recall anything else that happened this year.. i did a lot of partying though i know that! hahah well up until i had to stop using my alias LOL but i had a good ass run.. really good run! but it's all good.. 21 in 3 months=) ahhaa. hmm what else happened??? damn nothing else huh? no juicy love stories.. had my share of feelings here and there.. and obviously it wasn't solid enough to make it out of the year.. it's all good though, you live and you learn.. you still care though.. yeah, i still care.. but i care only from a distance.. which is alright, because that's how things pan out i guess? its the unconditional stuff, and i'm sure everyone has felt that.. you just care, because you just want the best for them! haha yeah.. hmm what else?? yeah, same shit different day basically... school, chill, go out.. hahah =P

BUT... now that i think of it.. this is my last year in Sacramento! oh mannn. 2010 is going to be MAJOR! hahah.. like i can't stress how fckin ecstatic i am! i am finally going to move to SF for school.. time for a new life.. new city, new friends, new life.. i'm sure 2010 will be my start for a very inspirational and dynamic life.. i just feel it.. i feel like San Francisco is where I was supposed to end up.. and truthfully and honestly, i feel that with my heart... and the school i am going to go to, Academy of Art University.. like ferreal when i visited the campus.. i just felt the inspiration flowing out of me.. i know that sounds hella funny, but like mannn... i felt at HOME there... i felt like i knew thats where i was supposed to be there, to grow into the person i am supposed to be... hahah. here in Sacramento, i felt like i was just floating on by.. not giving a care in the world.. just paddling away.. and just the thought of being able to start over and start a new life in the city that i love next year..is beyond words! i really can't wait.. and although i will miss Sacramento.. there's really nothing left for me here.. besides my family of course! hahah. but really though, i just really believe that I will get where I want to be in San Francisco.. really get to that pinnacle of happiness there.. and that's what i've been searching for for 20 years.. to really be happy.. genuinely happy...=) yeahh.... hahaha. 2010 is not ready for me! haha 21 years old... and living in the City.. =)

HMMM... well that is my 2009-2009 blog... it was a very crazy year to say the least... but everything worked out SO WELL... had so many blessings at the end of the year.. and i have the MAN ABOVE to thank.. without him, i wouldn't have my brother and my niece today=) THANK YOU=) but alright buddddiess.. i hope everyone had a very fulfilling year, despite all of the drama or setbacks you have gone through.. just remember you live and you learn.. and REMEMBER to NEVER take anyone or anything forgranted! i wish you all a very Happy New Year and just know with time passing by, life will get better. 2010, you will be a VERY GOOD YEAR=)

xoxo,
Kristine

Seasons Change, But Love Doesn't

Like a seed in the ground I was planted.
Underground, needing the nourishment to grow.
In the dark I waited until human nature
would give me a chance to see the world.

I was born in the cold Winter as my ice shedded slowly
from my skin as a new beginning arose in the shape of your face.
You held me warm in the crook of your arms until I was able to
open my petals and grow into the sun.

You stood next to me in the Spring and watched my colors
grow vibrant as each cool day passed by.
You never questioned why it took me a while to bloom,
you just gave me the love and nurture I needed to stay alive.

The Summer sun rose so early in the morning
burning my inhibitions but there you were,
with a tall glass of encouragement to refresh me.
The hot breeze threatened me and made me thirsty, but you
quenched my heart by spending each moist night laying with me.

Then Fall came and my colors started to fade, but you
caught each and every autumn leaf that fell from my heart.
You watched as I blended into the breeze but you held onto me tight,
telling me you'd never blow away.

You came to me with a bucket full of life and
watered me when I needed it the most.
The seasons came and gone but you took my heart and my soul.
You reminded me with each season passing by,
that you would be there holding my hand
and giving me your heart of seasons to share.

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So, I should be studying for finals.. But I needed a break from all the studious shit.. I was feeling sappy and I ended up writing this! It took me about 5 minutes to write and i really don't know how i put that all together... but hey, I thought it turned out pretty romantical. haha=) one day, im gonna make a book of poems for my future love of my life.. hope he'd appreciate it yeah? hahaha jk. anyhooots, hope you like!

xoxo,
Kristine